First love, broken heart, confusion in my mind, you left me but I forgive you and myself I will always love you but I have moved on goodbye.

Okay I am not normally one to tute my own horn. I would say that I am an attractive person but by no means would I describe myself as HOT well that is except to family and friends. I usually use the term hot when I am joking or laughing at myself. Well last night I decided to take some racy photos for my deployed husband. Nothing to dirty just tasteful pictures of me wearing almost nothing. I was really nervous about the pictures because before I started I assumed I would be to critical and end up not liking any of my shots… well I was wrong. I think I took a total of about 50 photos and liked about 30. In some of the pictures I surprised myself because I am hot. I cannot wait to send these to hubby and I am proud of them enough that if someone else accidentally got ahold of them I would not be embarrassed in any way. I just wanted to shair because we all have those rare moments that we feel truly HOT and last night I did.

I love this time of year. It always makes me smile when I walk into a room and see the lights of the Christmas tree and smell the holiday festivities in the air. For me this time of year is not about the greatest sale, or the coolest toy, its about being with my family and teaching my children what its like to give to those who are less fortunate. Each December we go through our stuff and donate as much as we can to good will or other organization that helps those in need. I love cooking the holiday spread of turkey, stuffing, green bean cassarole, rools, potatoes, and anything else that my mouth wants the preasure of tasting.

This Turkey day we are short a family member since my husband is deployed so my mother and brother flew out to eat dinner at our house. My sister E and her husband D also were able to drive up with my nogs (nephew dogs) so we could all eat together. It was wonderful to hang out with everyone and just eat up the conversation and time we had together. I am sad that tomorrow they will have to return to their lives and I will once again be back into normal everyday living. The plus is that for this month I get to look at my pretty tree and all the beautiful lights as I drive around. I love the holidays. They make me happy. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with your family and friends.

So last weekend the kids and I drove out to Portland to go see my sister and BIL. I ended up having an extra kids so that I could help out a friend and other than the occasional wrestle war that broke out they did really well. My sister was going to cook for us but I could not get the idea of going out to dinner out of my mind. I really wanted to have a little of the good food she has exposed me too in all the wonderful restaurants around the area. We ended up going to this place that has my lemon pepper chicken. What they dish is is pieces of chicken fingers with a ranch, lemon sauce and then you sqeeze fresh lemon into the sauce. It is heaven in your mouth. I loved it. Once we finished eatine we headed back to my sisters house and then we hung out having some beverage and playing the monkey sack game (don’t ask). This week has gone by so fast. I think because the kids were off of school on Tuesday and had half days Wednesday through Friday. Now its Saturday again and me and all the ladies are going out to night to paint the town. I love being able to have girls night out especially with G gone it makes it nice to get away and not be mommy for a night. I am very lucky to have a sweet teenager who does not mind watching his brother and sister every now and then. I am sure it will be fun.

Random thing. I was on myspace the other day and my best friend from middle school found me and it got me to thinking about who else was on there that I once knew in my life. I found my first kiss. The sad thing is I remember him being a huge part of my life but I don’t think he even knows who I am . Its funny how our memories work we share them with people all the time but some are more important than others. It ws nice to find him and catch up. He  has done well in his life and that makes me happy. He was the perfect boyfriend when we were together with the opening of car doors, and leaving roses on my door step in the middle of the night after evey date we had. He broke my heart back then and it seemed so tragic at the time and now the memory of it all makes me smile. Life is funny how it all works. Anyway laundry is yelling at me to get folded so have a wonderful weekend all and I will talk to you soon.

Okay Okay I know that we all have those days were everything just gets to you and today is one of those days for me. Let me start off by saying I have a good life, no a great life. My husband is a hard working airman who is constantly called away from home to do things for his country and I love him for that. He brings home the bacon and misses a lot of his family time because of his dedication to this land we love. Because of what he is doing I have been blessed for the last three and a half years to be able to stay at home with the kids and be a constant part of their lives. The things he misses I am there for, the holidays he spends in a hotel room I am here for, times they are sick and he cannot get home I am ready with thermometer and bucket in hand for. I do appreciate all that I have but today I am feeling down and just need to get it all out. Any military wife will tell you that the law of being military is when the husband is away things always break, its like the cardinal rule of deployments.

The holidays are approaching fast and as soon as they are done in my family we have a birthday every month until April so things tend to stay busy for us financially. This year my husband is missing all of the holidays because he is deployed so once again I am home alone to take care of all things necessary. So begins our area of broken things. First we lost the dryer not a huge deal we went and purchased a new one knowing it would be paid off no later than April. Then there was the call about his computer and how it no longer works because it somehow fell on the floor and he really needs a new one. Okay I guess we kind find that in the budget but then the deep freezer decided to go out. Not a huge deal except for the 300 dollars worth of grocery I had sitting in it that are all now bad and have to be tossed. I just feel like sometimes life is so financially impossible. I want to travel with the kids and expose them to wonders of the world. I want to take them skiing in the mountains, biking on great trails, to the zoo, the wolf retreat, or just for a day of Chuck E Cheese. I don’t want to have to save for three months for a night of bowling and a movie. I want to be able to buy that really cute pair of shoes even if they are not on sale. I want to not always have to be alone with things go nuts. I don’t always want to have to say no we can’t do that and try to explain to the kids a better reason than we don’t have enough money. I have been broke to the point of skipping meals so that there was enough for my son to eat. I have been broke to the point of walking through Sams club for the taste testers just for lunch. I am not in that situation now and rationally I know that but emotionally today I just feel tired. I am not the type of person who wants a fancy house, or fancy cars, I want simple things for the most part. But I do want to buy what I want when I want like flowers for a friend who is sad, or gift for someone who really wants something but can’t afford it. I want to spoil my family with experiences regardless of their cost. I know that many of you feel the same way as I do and I also know that many of you would kill to be in my shoes. Like I said today is just a pitty party and tomorrow I will suck it up and grow up and appreciate what I have….

So yesterday I started my new routine of the gym and OMG I think the instructor killed me. It was an hour of intense working out for my entire body. I actually had to walk out and take a five minute break at one point because I thought I was going to pass out. Today I feel like I died again because all of my muscles are throbbing and telling me that it is not normal for me to do things like this to my body. I loved the class though and in a sick way I love feeling this sore. I had every intention of going back today for another class but I physically would not be able to, so instead I am going to go and do yoga with the Monkey and then go swimming. I figure as long as I do something I should be good but tomorrow I will be heading to another class.

So this morning I joined my friends to say good bye to our guys in uniform as they depart for the sandbox to fullfill their military duty to our great nation. I am always saddened and touched by the faces of the families left behind who do their best to hold back the tears as they watch their soilder, airmen, sailors, or other military member walk out the door. We have no real understanding as to what our family members are doing over their because you can only experience so much through their words. I cannot imagine walking away from my family for any amount of time for the greater good. I cannot imagine having such devotion to faceless people that I would give up all the matters most to me to do the dangerous job. Yes it is hard on us back at home to try and continue life as normal when half of us is missing but at leaste we are in familiar surroundings with family and friends. At least we are still in our comfort zones. All I can say is I am proud to be a military dependent and I am honored to know these brave men and woman who fight the fight so I don’t have to. God bless you guys and keep safe we will keep your place ready for the day you return.

My little sister whom I adore came into town recently and we tried to get together but were unable to until this evening. I wanted so badly for her to be able to meet my older sister because the two have never actually met in 18 years. I remember when my baby sister was little my older sister had resentment toward her and I always prayed that one day that anger would dimish and she would have a desire to get to know her. That day is finally arriving but unfortunatly due timing they just were not able to get together. Anyway I was able to pick her up and take her out to dinner and it was so wonderful. I was hesitant to go to her mothers house because we have a very negative history and I don’t want her to be exposed to my kids (the mother not my sister) but out of the kindness of my heart and okward situations she did get to meet my kids. She took pictures and paraded around like we were her long lost family it was sick and twisted. The feeling of her arms wrapped around me hugging me was repulsive to the point that I actually felt sick to my stomach. I want to throw up in her face and kick her ass and all kinds of horrible things but instead I held down my need to hurl and just stood there while she hugged me and claimed how much she loved me. Once we finished with the ackwardness Ash and I along with our kids headed out to mexican for dinner. We discussed things from our past and I relized how really messed up her mom actually is. She seems to honestly believe her version of our histories because nothing that us kids remember doe she remember the same. My baby sister has had to see alot with her family and had to grow up rather fast as did all of us girls. Although the three of us grew up so different and not even in the same houses all the time we ended up with very similar stories. We are all young mothers, we have all fought our own demons to find belief in ourselves, we have all struggled to get to were we are, and we all have an amazing strength within us. I loved seeing  my little sister today and getting to be part of knowing what a wonderful woman she has become. i cannot wait to get to know her in the future.

Okay so G left and is now in the location were he will spend the next couple of months of his life. I always allow myself 24hours of being sad before I make myself pick up and move on with things that I have going on. I hit that 24hour mark this morning but extended it until the afternoon because Monkey and I were having fun watching all of the Halloween movies together. Now I have to go back to being mom and household runner. I have laundry to do, rooms to clean, dinner, to cook and its friday so I have a party to attend. I miss my husband when he is gone but I am so much more productive because I have to fill the lonely time with things to do….. so we begin another leg of the life of  military wife. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.