Sweet, innocent, my little hispanic boyfriend who traded me in for a blond, first kiss, wonderful memories, beautiful bubblegum bracelet of a boy kissing a girl. Sweet first love.

I found this on my sisters blog who got it off of another friends and just loved the idea as well http://www.x365.org/index.html

Mrs. Mayer

Teacher, inspiriation, touching lives without even knowing it. Reason I fell in love with the idea of learning, more influential in my life than she will ever know.

So my phone rang today and since it was a number I did not recognize so I let the machine get it only to hear that it was my step mother. Now as I sure you can guess I am not her greatest fan. I think that she is a manipulative devious self serving individual who has no concerns on who she steps on as long as she gets what she wants. She recently divorced from my birth father and as an enresult him and I are trying to have a relationship. Well I called my sister to let her know that my step mom called and in the middle of the conversation with my sister I relized that the number was local. HOLD UP a local number does that mean she is in the same area code as me… I am confused so I immidiatly hung up with E and called my birth fathers phone and my little half sister answered. She proceeded to inform me that she had been in a car accident and was injured pretty bad but was doing much better and was just thankyful that her son was okay. I felt bad for her mom so I decided to call her to be nice because I cannot imagine the pain I would be in if my daughter was in an accident and I was not there to comfort her. Well during the call with good ol step mommy I find out that she has recently moved 30 minutes away from me. She wants to do lunch. She is within driving distance to my family… these are all bad things. I pretend to be nice to her because she is the mother of my half sister and my two step brothers one of whom is like my little brother. I try to make nice because our family has had so much pain confusion and betryal that I do not want to add to the drama, but I am not at all okay with welcoming her back into my life. It was one thing to exchange emails and to see her at her sons wedding but to bring her into my life that I have worked so hard to keep her out is just to much to ask. I am not sure what the right answer is. I know that I could just be blunt and say hell no there is no way and that even though she is in the same state as me we can live without ever seeing each other… I know that I could just tell her to screw herself but that is not me. I am not like that. I do feel pity for her and I have let go of my anger toward her, I had to in order to move on. I want to be able to tell her to go to hell but I also have a part of me that remembers that she was good to me for a short time in my life, she did teach me that I wanted to be the exact opposite of a mother that she was to her children and myself. She did bring my little step brother and sister into this world and they are both wonderful people and she had something to do with that so is she all bad…. I reality I know that she is a dangerous person to be around and that she is like a snake ready to bite you with its venoumous mouth at any moment but emotionally I just want peace and understanding and forgiveness across the board. I want the pain of my older sister that was caused by this woman to go away and be forgiven, I want her to be able to move on and not have the skeletons of our past dangle in her present life. I am just at a loss as to what to do. I always knew that one day this woman would try to come back into my life I just never thought that she would be 30 min away from my home, my state, my family. I will never let her know were my sister is because I respect my sisters wishes to keep that world out of hers but I do know that my sister finding out that she is here is going to turn her world upside down. I am just tired of having to disrupt her life with these  kinds of information. The girl has worked her ass off to get the past to stay were it belongs and then step mom seems to keep finding away to change that. UGGG what to do… I guess I will pray on it and think and decide what to do for now I am not answering her phone calls and I will blow of the emails maybe then she will get the clue and I won’t have to make a decision. All I know is that I love having my sister near me and I don’t want her to regret her decision to move were she is now.

Planned schedule was

Monday – hit gym clean house baseball dinner bed at a decent hour

Tuesday – same as yesterday

Wednesday – same as Monday

Thursday – womans Bible study clean house baseball dinner bed at a decent hour

Friday – same as Monday

Saturday – baseball games for two then birthday party sleep over

Sunday – recover from the week and work on MWSG homework

and this is what actually happened

Monday – gym clean house dinner baseball and did not get to bed until 4 am

Tuesday – never made it to the gym worked on the house cleaned went to bed sometime late in the morning

Wednesday – dealt with a sick kid, a child with nightmares cleaned baseball dinner bed at 9 but dealing with throwing up child and the nightmares got little to no sleep

Thursday – to tired for the gym so took a day off and hung around the house – did enjoy the wonderful weather

Friday – gym mowed the yard with my girlfriend hung out witht he neighbors and thank God for blessing us with such a beautiful day again.

Saturday – finished house ran errands and got everything ready for the party had the party had company – dealt with teenagers that have zero respect for my home my son  and apparently were never taught manners

Sunday – slept in because my husband understood that I spent the night getting up due to teenagers breaking the rules, finding out that my son and his friends chased animals, looked at porn, talked about sneaking out, and found it funny to clog our toilets and leave the remains for us to clean.

Now I am facing the dilema of my teenage son entering the years were porn, sex, drugs, bad decisions and trying to look cool is all coming into play. After the party last night and all the friends went home my son was busted with the computer and trying to hide the evidence that he and his friends were typing in things like “Hannah Montana going down” “free porn” by deleting the history and he did not relize that we know how to check history without using the history button. He tried to lie but soon came clean and is now facing no trust, no computer and no phone. I feel bad for him because I know he is at the age of curiousity but I will not tolerate lying. I am just hoping that when it comes to drugs, sex, and other major choice he knows to go with what is right over what he thinks is cool. Okay I am getting sleepy so I am going to go but that was my week in a nutshell

I have always been involved one way or another with the military. Currently I am helping support the dependents left behind in providing support answers and just a shoulder to lean on….. well at least that is what I am suppose to do but I am not very good at it. I am not a shy person except for when you first meet me and I am not a quiet person unless I am out of my element. Well that is exactly what I am dealing with right now. I have so many ideas on how I can help but I cannot seem to find my voice in this room of strangers to be heard.  I keep whispering to myself “come on” you can do this but I still feel my lips are closed and my voice is still hiding inside of my head. I need to just be proactive and put myself out there but is something that scares me. I am doing this to support myself, husband, other spouses who are less informed and because I feel like this is something that I need to do. Today we had a meeting and I was given a certificate as well as a coin to say thanks for all I am doing and I felt bad receiving it because I don’t feel like I have really done anything. I know I just need to suck it up and do it… I need to earn that coin I just need to have more faith in myself… anyway on a better note my sister is coming into town tonight.. really she is only coming to sleep but that is not the point she will  be here and I am excited about that. I love her company and she always makes me feel more at home because she is so close to me now. I love my sister. I am really only on here to procrastinate cleaning the house before she shows up but I have run out of things to say so I will go get some stuff down. I know I know this post made no sense at all but that is okay its just here for me to throw all the random thoughts out of my head onto the screen and that I have done.

later have a good night all…. maybe tomorrow I will have something to say that will aaaahhaaaaa you all

then again maybe not

I know I know what is the point if I continue to forget to write in here… blog smog I am terrible about being consistent with anything. I sit down each night and think about coming in here to type but nothing really goes on in my life that I feel is worth the read. I skim through other blogs and find it so impressive that people are able to create such vivid images in my mind just by the words they type into their computer. I am jelouse of those who are able to express themselves with sentences that flow like poetry. I often think what if I was one of those writers then would I post more often. If I thought that my words would grab a hold of my readers and draw them in then would I be willing to share more? I don’t know what the answer is but I am going to continue to try and improve on writing in here because how can I expect to get better if I am unwilling to put forth the time and effort that is necessary.

Now that I am finished with that tyrade I will move on to the updates in my life… lets see I have decided for once in my life to try to become a more civilized person when dealing with the petty realities of military life. I often find myself caught up in the dramas of my neighbors and their neighbors and end up in a situation that oddly resembles high school. I am not an easy person to have as a friend because my words are sometimes to honest and my attitude is sometimes to demanding. I know that I have high expectations of people especially if they want to be called my friend but I think that expecting the simplest thing such as honesty is really not that much to ask. I have relized that when people tell you they want honesty what they really mean is they want you to tell them what they want to hear but just don’t make it obvious. I have had several fallings out with people who I have considered friends and I wonder is it even worth it anymore. I have a good life with a few people I trust a wonderful family and my amazing sister living within 2 hours so do I really need all of the outside bullshit. I tell myself no but then I often find that someone is in need or I am lonley so I put myself out there and get disappointed. OH CRAP this was suppose to be ablog about updates not bitching….

Okay so here it goes one more try… the kids G and I had a wonderful easter. Monkey loved her easter basket and the boys could not have been happier with the toys the Easter bunny left for them. The dog and cat even made out for Easter. My Evilmonkey and I went to Portland to visit E & D and had a wonderful time – we went booty dancing and just laughed and enjoyed each others company. We also started baseball season so I am back to being a busy B mom but I am glad because I really was starting to get to lazy at home. G had decided he wants to buy a Harley so I have to keep reminding him we have three kids to send to collage. My mother and father started the divorce proceedings and the weather here has finally started to get nice. Other than that nothing really crazy new… same life different day. I have to go now because I am needed by the Monkey outside. Have a good one…. hugs and kisses…

OHH and we did have snow….